Tentative Trust

Tentative Trust

     This weekend has been quite an ordeal; I would never want to live through it again. The root of the problem is easy to find. In four days I will turn eighteen and begin my first year as a legal adult and my parents are concerned about my well being because of my values.
     In the past I have proven to my parents over and over again that I can’t be trusted for very long, I have my good times and my bad. Usually, I can attest that they can trust me and I will change my attitude, finish my homework and try my best to accomplish whatever I set out to do but then, after a couple months have passed I get “ restless ” and soon fall into my old rut again, and the thread starts to pull apart and when it finally unravels there are a lot of strands laying loose, twisted and tangled.
    Saturday started out as usual, I crawled out of bed around nine in the morning (it would have been later if I didn’t have to attend DEP at eleven) but I was happy because I had a chance to talk to my friend on instant messenger the night before. We were both overjoyed because the last few weeks have made it incredibly hard to keep in contact and it’s hard to pay for an hour long telephone bill to Canada and one letter takes six days to get from here to there and twelve to get back again, that’s if the letter makes its’ journey there at all without getting lost in the sea of the mail room. I was dreading DEP but I always felt better when it was over so I dragged myself from Mt. Vernon to Newark for our meeting; I was right, I felt better after the meeting. I was wrong to believe that feeling would last.
    Friday night dad had gotten a letter from the school board saying I had missed 11 days of school (2 of which were the school’s fault) so he was disappointed in me and threatened that if this problem arose one more time he would ask me to leave his house, so I was not very happy with him. I went back to dads after DEP and practiced my bass until the jazz band festival and afterwards we both felt better. He took me back to mom’s house for the rest of the weekend; the biggest mistake of my life.
    About a month ago I purchased a web cam, a seventy-dollar web cam. Linda (my mothers roommate) had a problem with me using it, saying that I had no right to own one and I was making the wrong decisions with how I used it. When I protested that I had done nothing wrong with the web cam and that there was no way that I was going to quit using it because of what she “believed” I was doing with it I told her my true feeling about her over the years and that she had no reign over me. Without a second thought she unplugged the Internet, I saw my life, as I know it, fade before my eyes; I came unglued.
   In a split-second I launched my self at her throat and began pounding at her temples mercilessly. Anger came over me that I couldn’t hold back anymore; I wouldn’t take another day of her torture, ever again. Mom drove me back to dad’s house, kicking and screaming. Dad, who had been the “enemy” only thirty minutes ago, was the only person I wanted to talk to. We decided to bring the computer to stay at dad’s house so I could still talk to my friends on instant messenger and get my homework assignments done. I am never allowed to set foot in my mothers house again because of Linda. Usually, I would be only too happy to keep this promise but dad made me realize how much this is going to hurt my youngest sister, Emily, I would give her the world if I could, but now, I wouldn’t even be able to walk into her house.
   The next morning my head pounded, I hoped, for a brief moment that it had all been a horrendous and terrible dream. Little did I know, the nightmare wasn’t over yet. I called mom and checked on her. When she talked she seemed disconnected, depressed again. I told her dad and I would be back soon, that we were going to get lunch and our fishing licenses. I called her again when we returned and she told me she wouldn’t be bringing the computer and that she couldn’t trust me.
   When she went back the night before she went to my old web, one that I admit, was a mistake to build and I was in the process of tearing down. She was appalled, disgraced that I was her daughter. I confessed this to dad, ready for the second blow and sat on the edge of my seat, waiting.
   To my surprise dad to a little sigh and sat down beside me. I could tell he was collecting his thoughts, collecting what he could possibly say. At long last the words came and I braced myself.
“You know kiddo, we all make mistakes,” he started out, “ the trick is to learn from them,” I was speechless, stunned really.
  There are more important things my dad talked with me about but I think that is the most important thing he said. I am not the only person in the world dealing with the consequences of my actions and right now I’m paying for one of my many idiotic mistakes. Even though my friend means the world to me right now and I never want to leave his side I want to earn my parents trust again just as badly. If I can’t talk to him on IM for a while I’ll understand and, if he truly cares about me he’ll understand too. There are more important things to take care of right now and actions speak louder than words, so I had better get started. I have a lot of work to do.